I woke up today with anxiety an fear in my heart. I have been debating all week on if we should go to a cousins birthday party at a super fun place. I know he much fun it would be and how much I want to go spend time with family and celebrate a birthday. Here is the problem.....
When you have children like ours with the issues we have I know that choosing to go to an outing (ANY outing) will cause so many problems in our lives that will effect the kids for at least 2 weeks.
There will be pizza and cake that I won't be able to let the kids eat because it has gluten and dairy in it and we are allergic to those things and if I do let them eat it it will amplify all of their sensory and autistic issues. If I choose to bring other food they can have I risk offending the ones paying for the party and the full on screaming matches from my kids that it will cause when I tell them they have other food they need to eat. I also risk being hit or kicked and so do the other kids in the room. (Please don't think they are bad kids because of this because they aren't. It is basically like putting a your FAVORITE food infront of you and telling you everyone in he room can have some except you.... I means how would you feel?)
Another problem causing my worry is the fact that I will be changing their routine. They aren't used to go in anywhere on Saturdays and ANY change in routine will cause their anxiety disorders to go off the charts crazy. The only way to describe it (and this doesn't do it justice) is that it is like your alarm didn't go off in the morning and you being startled awke by a call from your boss that if you aren't at work in 5 min that you will be fired. You KNOW you can't get there but you kill yourself trying to get there anyway. That FEELING in your gut is how it feels when I change anything in their routine.
I know that going to this super fun party could possibly make church tomorrow nearly impossible, school next week more difficult and so many more issues I choose not to go into at this time.
So......what am I supposed to do? Ultimately the choice falls to me but what kind of a choice is that. I am a horrible mom for not letting family celebrate together when we desperately want to. I am a horrible mom for going and causing more problems in our lives for going when we are already having problems in all aspects of life already.
I know I'm not a horrible mom but I think you guys get the point. The really sad part for me is that these are the types of choices I am making on a daily basis..... Not just parties, appointments that change their routine that day, substitute teachers at school or church, me not feeling good so not able to get all the therapy times in, not sleeping at night for the kids, and so very much more. These are the things that are all rolling around in my head 24/7.
So what did I choose? We are going to go to the party this time because honestly our ultimate goal is for the kids to learn to adapt and learn changes in their lives and one day they are gonna have to make these choices on their own. Here is hoping all goes well.