It is 9:20pm in our house and as i sit on the couch crocheting a pretty little red rose for Airabella to wear on a hat to church in the morning i totally stew and mutter under my breath about the horrible evening we have had….
Brandon is at work and the dog sits by me and i remember only moments ago gripping at the fact that i had to carry all 3 boys to bed after they fell asleep on the couch watching Mythbusters really early and knowing good and well that this meant a REALLY early morning for everyone. It took over an hour and Many Many Many tears from Ammon to just simply get dressed in warm enough clothing to leave and run the few errands i had to do that had been put off for the holiday. It was agony and i scrammed at him repeatedly to just put the stupid long sleeve shirt on. There were 3 kids already in the car for 15 minuets in the cold when I finally gave up and stomped out the door and fumed in the car….so mad that i had tears in my eyes.
I had left Ammon screaming in the doorway as i contemplated leaving the 4 year old with sleeping daddy who had worked a long 3rd shift the night before. Ammon disappeared from the door way and i stomped back in the house ready to scream again when i found him in his groggy daddy’s arms telling him that he “can’t wear the shirt, it makes his arms itch.” i know i am going to sound like a monster but i couldn’t have cared less about his arms itching. I was more worried about the freezing kids that have waited so long in the car.
Daddy put the long sleeve shirt over the Huge shirtsleeve one that he Ammon wanted to wear in the first place and put a coat and shoes on him and brought him to the car. I looked at his tear stained face as i buckled him in and said, “I am sorry you are having such a hard time. We can’t take this long to get ready any more. When mommy tells you to get dressed you need to get dressed then….Not take an hour and a half to be done.” I kissed him, told him i loved him and asked if we could get through the next few hours without any tear. He nodded and we left.
We then stopped at Payless for shoes, Cabella’s for some items, Penn Station for some home cut fries then off to the YMCA for play time and a break for me. They went to the adventure center and i went off to ride the bike for a half hour. When i came back to get them Ammon was nonstop talking to me about a new friend named Katie he had made.
The rest of the day was a total disaster. Full of tears, missed naps, tantrums including flying objects and, Once AGAIN the agony that is dinner. (5pm is right about when everyones meds run out and the rest of the night is extreme noise and crazy that is truly undiscribable.)
I hate night time in our home. I feel like because of all the madness, tantrums and tears i send the kids off with sadness in all our hearts. Tonight was no different. I found my self begging God to just tell me what to do to help my children. I feel like such an incredible failure and the worst mother in the world for not being able to hold it together anymore. I just keep asking God why on earth did he make the poor kids like this? Why did they have to come to earth this way with these challenges that makes just living such an extreme challenge and struggle?
A few moments ago i heard Ammon crying from his bed. He lays in-between his brothers, all three boys in twin mattresses on the floor right next to each other with no space in-between so they feel safe and don’t fall out of bed and get hurt. I heard Ammon quietly crying and then heard him call out for “Daddy” so i went quickly to their room. When i reached the room i found Hunter and Mason (in their sleep) rolled over with one arm each around tiny little Ammon. No one had woken, It was just pure instinct to protect their Little brother.
I felt ashamed for the anger i had felt only moments before. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the fact that God sent us more that one child with close to the same issues so that each of them never felt alone in their struggles. I felt overpowering gratitude to be able to see this silent moment in the night to know and feel that i don’t have to have the answer as to why they are this way, no matter how bad i want to know….I doesn’t matter. All i need to remember is one hour at a time, each moment is a moment to do better at being their mother and maybe one day i’ll get it right.
I bent down and kissed each boy and told them that i loved them with all my heart, and each boy smiled ear to ear in their sleep. I lastly touched Ammons forehead and gently stroked his ear, His favorite and most comforting place to be touched, (only i know that about him), and whispered, “I’m sorry for screwing it all up today. I will try harder tomorrow. I love you baby boy and will always be here for you.” He was totally asleep but snuggled comfortably down in his sleeping bag and smiled gently and looked so peaceful now. No more tears.
I may never get it right or understand any of what we are going through as a family, but i do know how much i love my babies and that i would give my life to make theirs easier if only i could. I know now that i need to remember that every time i feel i am never gonna survive another minuet of this family. We will wake up tomorrow and we will try again.