Tomorrow is a big day for our little Ammon. He will begin the processes of evaluations and testing as we such for answers. He has truly been struggling. He is a bundle of tears, tantrums and noises and has been lost in his world of chaos sense the day he was born.
We had to pull him out of school 2 months ago and in the last few weeks i have been hearing things from him that hurt my heart. I have been able to reach him in very short bursts and at these tiny moments he has been able to communicate some of his feelings and it is heart breaking. He has been able to share things like, “everyone laughs at me.” “no one understands me,” and “mommy, the world is so confusing and loud.” Even now i as my tears fall i am in agony as his loving mother with the fact that for the last 4 years i have been unable to reach or help him.
He was diagnoses with Sensory Processing Disorder at 18 months and even now at 4 years old his speech is so inarticulate that his is difficult to understand most of the time. He spends 80% of his day in tears not even knowing why he is upset. the other 20% of the time he is running and screaming through the house, just simply running laps. unable to sit still. He is consistently upset and we just don’t know how to help him.
I breaks my heart that we don’t know what to do. with all the research that i have done offer the last 6 years on my own i am still at a loss. It kills me that the world only sees the cute face at first and then looks at him like a problem that will “challenge” their day. If you spend short bursts of time with him, like at church or at the YMCA for an hour you would just write him off as an obnoxious kid, but we know that his behaviors are unintentional and overpowering his world.
His is unable to sit still for more than a few moments, he sleeps less that 3 hours at a time and is unable to control his “noises”. (i truly don’t know how to explain his noises other than to call them noises. I will be documenting them over the next few weeks to assist with his evaluations) The poor kid basically just wonders around the house completely agitated and unable to control his emotions. I am hoping to find professionals to be able to help us understand what exactly is going on with out little man.
I find myself on my knees constantly begging God to just tell me what to do to help him. I know there is a brilliant amazing kid just trapped inside this little body begging to get out and i just don’t know how to reach him. I cry alone at night after he says things to me like, “mommy, will you pray to God to not make me so scared.” and “Mommy, why am i so bad?” What am i supposed to say to him? I have no idea?