So it's only 12:11pm and already I feel like a failure today. This seems to be the normal lately. We are stuck in that cycle of every day feeling like it's worse than the last. Even now as I hear the kids whining and crying in the other room and my husbands voice is getting louder and louder, I know I am gonna have to step in soon and bring it all back down again.
That's my job I guess. It's a mixture of therapist, teacher, disciplinarian, calmer and most importantly Referee. With all the drama of joining the army over the past few months, them turning down our dependency waiver and now just being in limbo.....we feel lost. Just floating with no purpose in life.
We have good intentions. Brandon just simply wants to go help the good guys. Yea he is 31 years old, So what??!! Yea he has 4 kids, so what? He is a Christian man just trying to serve his country. He is "squeaky clean" with nothing more than a speeding ticket and just happens to have a happy family that loves and supports each other no matter what. Yea we are in a rough patch but I have never and will never ask anyone to feel sorry for us.
We love each other and we know how lucky we are to be hear together as a forever family....Times just get really hard sometimes. And I guess that is the hardest part, not being able to talk, really talk honestly about how we are really feeling. Believe me I get it. I am a fixer and it is killing me not being able to fix the problems we are going thru right now. But sometimes we as parents just trying to hold it together, we need some way to get out what we are really feeling with out a possible judging eye or "helping" hand.
I don't feel sorry for myself in anyway and never have, I love my boys for each of their good qualities and traits, not for the difficulties that they are going thru. I do everything in my power to not let their diagnosis define who they are, but allow them to be challenges that they will one day learn to rise above.
We are each individuals and in this world or on this world I believe that no matter what it is that you are going thru....it is the hardest thing in the world for you. And more than likely you feel totally alone and maybe a little ashamed for thinking it is so hard when you look around at what others are going thru. I feel the same way. After all, this, right now, we are struggling, but I will never give up on my boys or my daughter and even my poor husband who never signed up for this life but is doing his best to survive it just like I am. and just like you are in your situation.
My goal in sharing my life and what it is that we are going thru is to let the world know that it's ok to admit that it's hard. Life is hard, it's meant to be. We are all on this earth because we chose this life in the pre existence. That is hard to believe most of the time because honestly, I wonder myself if I really knew just how hard this was gonna be.
Each day I will get up and take on the challenge that right now just happens to be my life. And one day I will look back and think, "Wow!! I made it to the other end of that trial and survived. I'll survive this too and be stronger because of it." The lessons we learn in life are not just for us but for us to use to help others along the way. And if anything I want to be able to say.....At least I survived today!