I find myself wondering around the house tonight in the darkness lost in the true reality of my existence. Today was one of those days where I just felt lost and alone. I spent the day with the kids by myself while Brandon worked from 9 to 7pm.
It's hard on the kids, and me, when he is gone all day. Not only is he gone but so is the only car we have so we are inevitably trapped. Sometimes that's a good thing, it gives the kids the security of staying home and safe in their firmiluare inviroment. But if one kid is set off they are all right there, in your face, next to each other,...all of them going nuts and you can't go anywhere. They just follow you, from room to room. It seems to never end.
But tonight is different. I am lost in a world of sorrow and regret. I feel that I might have had a break thru with Mason. This in and of its self is a good thing but as I examine this break thru, I feel a lose of years it could have made a difference knowing this thing before now.
I look at the kids in the glowing light of the lava lamp and tears come again. In know just how special these kids are and how much they could change the world.....but the world just doesn't get them. They are so brilliant, so loving, so REAL in every since of the word, and I guess the world just isn't ready for them.
With each passing day I feel them pulling further and further away into autism land where they get harder and harder to reach. If they are lost it would be a great tragity.
A few days ago I happened to turn on a documentary on exoskeletons on Netflix. All the kids started watching it but got distracted with in the first 1/2 hour. All except Hunter Hyrum. He watched the show in it's entirety and even asked us to pause it a few times for a potty break or retrieval of a book or snack. At one point on the show we saw a group of engineers make a women walk again who hasn't walked in 18years.
This lady started describing how she could now retrain her leg muscles to know what movement is again. I looked over at Brandon and said "Wow that would help with so much of the atrophy you get by being in a wheel chair." Hunter immediately said, "What?!! They made that ladys legs work again!!! What muscles are in the leg again...wait will you pause it?" He ran off to get an anatomy book I had gotten him several months ago. He started looking up what muscles they had make move again. (Literally, which muscles where moving for the first time in 18 years)
It was amazing to see the way Hunter was making these things connect in his brain. He has always been so brilliant that...well....at age 4 he knew the entire anatomy of the body. He was born while Brandon was in school for Radiology and I have pictures of him at 12months old going thru them like they were story books.
But now as I see him so peaceful and sleeping....at this moment he speaks in his sleep saying, "what are we gonna do about it." He often talks in his sleep. I wonder sometimes, "is he gonna say something miraculous in his sleep that only he and I would know?" You really never know with these kids.
I just feel lucky to be allowed to be their mother while they are here on earth.
Oh if only I had cameras in our home,,,the things that would be caught would amaze and astound you. I do feel these kids are closer to God. I mean they have taught me so very much about how little we really do understand about the way this world really works. I am truly blessed to be apart of it all. And no matter how hard it does get, and believe me it gets so very very very hard in ways you could never imagine, I would never change a thing. I love my life because family is all we get hear on earth and mines pretty dagon cool!