Let me just try and explain to you my evening:
I sit here in the dark with my 6 year old Mason curled up in the fetal position in my lap wrapped tightly in 2 blankets, two of his favorite blankets. He sobs into my chest as I hold him as tightly as possible. I too am crying.
I have spent the last 4 hours trying to just put out the autism and anxiety fires of 4 children all under the age of 7. Hunter has been lost in Autism land for months now and I feel I am failing miserably at reaching him. Aammon only makes noises and words I can't understand anymore. I feel like I am loosing him to gibberish. Every once in awhile I can make out a few words and try to get what he is talking about. Airabella has no speech and she is 20 months old. All she does anymore is grunt scream and hit me. As for Mason .....I lose a little more of him each day.
He is now being totally replaced my the anger. I no longer see the creative happy loving boy of just a few months ago. What is happening?? I feel we are so very lost in a world that no soul could understand even if they were in the middle of it.
After spending the last 4 hours trying to keep Mason from exploding and freaking everyone out for the 6th time today, we are both just completely drained.
In the darkness we both cry, silently into the quiet meditation music that totally failed at its job of keeping the house quiet and calm. The darkness that surrounds us seems all consuming as I stare at the blue green lava lamp bubbling slowly on the entertainment center next to the i pad playing the only app that I will tend to always lean on at these times, "Fluidity" (running on ambient movement on a calming blue setting)
Suddenly I have an Lightining Bold!!!!! "Mason, are you just scared all the time?" I asked him quietly. Thru the quiet tears he simply nodded.
WOW!! This really suddenly makes sense. From the time he was born the kid never stopped moving. He was one of the those kids you have to hold down to make stop for more than a moment. And he never, never slept. Lately, his anxiety levels are thru the freaking roof. He used to only be scared at night but could settle down quickly. then it went to needing you by him as he fell asleep and nightmares. Now we are at hysteria and not leaving the room without a chaperone to just simply use the bathroom. He is TERRIFIED of EVERYTHING and it is ruining his life.
Instantly I began to sob as I sit there in the darkness listening to haunting music on Pandora. This kid has spent his entire life in fear of life. Oh my Goodness. So much makes since now. How he wants nothing more than to be buried under 8, yes 8 of the heaviest blankets in the house. how he needs to be held so incredibly tight to calm. He has even been pulling double duty on the "Heavy Work" all on his own.
As I lay him down gently on our over sized beanbag so that he can feel grounded and safe, I wrap him up tightly again and add 3 more blankets to his original 2 and know that I am gonna be sleeping on the couch next to him tonight.....that is if I can sleep tonight. How am I gonna fix this.??